The Tex Files

A Texas Ranger found the customer laying in the parking lot about 15 feet from the front door of the bootmaker's shop. His hair was singed and he smelled of sulphur. He was groggy, but he gave the following account:

I stopped by his shop to see if I could get him to reconsider 'bout building me some stingray boots. I knewe'd from past expurience to keep one foot outside the dour cause he get's kind'a excited when you start talking 'bout stingrays. That's how come I could see it. It was larger than Uncle Pearl's barn, aun it was shaped like a giant boot laying sideways. Suddenly somethung like lightnun struke and that was all I rembered. Guess I got the boot.

The old bootmaker was nowhere to be seen, and his favorite toe-box axe was missing.

What the customer had seen was a giant UFB, that be an un-identified flying boot. It was piloted by a creature from Arizonia which is a place nearly two-light years away from Texas, that be about a one hour time difference. There's a war going on in Arizonia right now. The war is between folks who moved there from Califlourania, and folks who walked up from Mexicola. The Califlouranians want the Mexicolas to do all the work, but they don't want anybody to know about it, and they want to kick the Mexicolas out. It's hard to reconcile what the Califlouranians want with what they say they want, but that's the way it is with most wars, they often don't make a lot of sense to anybody but the participants.

The captain of the UFB was a giant Spider who wore a beaver hat. The old bootmaker had been de-materialized, then re-materialized, then transported up to the flying boot by a collective imagination ray, the deadliest ray known to man, it's been known to make folks completely disappear. It happened to captain Spider once, he disappeared from a website for a long time.

Inside the UFB it looked like some sort of a hospital, but there was nobody trying to force the old bootmaker to take medication, no shock treatments, and no probing going on --guess it wasn't a mental hospital. They told him to relax, take a seat, that he could watch a movie. Westerns were playing on all 400 channels of the inflight entertainment system. The flight attendant was named Flo, and she brought him a bowl of toe-box porridge, and it was good. Then before he knew it, the flight was over.

The travelers had been rolling along in the wagon for several hours when they spotted him. He was on the trail up ahead just standing there. They rolled up to him and said,"Howdy."

The old bootmaker spoke to them for twenty minutes. He told them about the flying boot, his idiot customer, the Spider, John Wayne, toe-box porridge, and Flo. When he was through there was silence.

Well, Orville, what'd he say?

I dunno Bill. Couldn't make head nor tails of it. Pablo, you got any idea what he said?

Sounds like a foreign language to me, sounds Swedish.

Pablo, you know any Swedish?

A little.

Well, have a go at it.

"Ikea your Volvo. I said, Ikea your Volvo."

What the hell is that, "Ikea your Volvo." Thought you said you spoke a little Swedish!

Well, that's a little. Wait, he speaking again.

Orville, can you make it out?

Sounds like he is saying "sea-a-lustic tue-bux"

"Toe-box?"

Yeah, "Toe-box."

Sounds like an indian name.

Maybe he's an indian?

Yep, Chief Toe-Box. Well he don't look like an indian.

How do you know, he could be. Indians look like all sorts of folks. Besides, he's carrying a tommy-hawk ain't he.

That ain't no tommy-hawk. Wait, he's saying something again.

Sounds like he saying "ssssealis-tex, tex"

"Yah, yah, Tex" said the old bootmaker.

Well Pablo you heard the Chief, says his name is "Tex."

"Tex," Bill, he didn't say his name was "Tex." For all you know the Chief just wants a ride down to Texas.

Well call him what you want, but I think we gota take him with us and we better getsum clothes on him. Man can't stand out in this sun in just his boots an hat holding an axe.

And why not? How'd you know that he didn't just come out here for a bath, and besides, that ain't just an axe, that's that man's soap. We could be disturbing this fellers bath for all you know.

Oh yeah, right, a fellow sunbather. Well, if he was bathing where's his towel?

Maybe he left it behind.

Yeah, well, whatever, we're taking him with us, and I think he is about your size, so do you think you can loan him some clothes till we can find his people?

That night the travlers camped near the state line not far from El Paso. They made a fire, sent out some text messages, and made a short video of Chief Toe-Box the old bootmaker which they pasted on YouTube hoping he would be recognized. They called the old bootmaker "Tex."

He found a guitar in the wagon and sat down by the campfire and sang lonely songs in Swedish. He was joined by Guzelda the monkey who played along on the harmonica. It was a quiet night.

Emmett

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