The Interrorgation

In the morning the sky cleared and the wind abated. Orville was working on the dry-cells in his wagon, brushing off some corrosion that was growing on the terminals, while Don Pablo was tending to Daisy and Phone Home. Dad was sitting on Billy’s porch reading the Wall St. Journal sipping a carrot juice smoothie when down the drive came two black Chevy Suburbans.

They stopped in front of the house. Two INS agents in green uniforms stepped out of the first Suburban followed by two guys in dark suits with curly wires dangling from their ears. When the second Suburban stopped, five guys in generic black tactical clothing carrying assault rifles poured out.

Mornin’

Mornin’ to you officers. What can I help you with?

That mule over there, is that yours?

No, it belongs to Orville, why?

That wagon his?

Suppose so, what’s up?

Mind if we look around?

Go ahead.

Where you fellers comin’ from?

Arizona, why?

You wouldn’t be coming from Sonora and smuggling illegals, or drugs would you?

Now what would three ole men like us be doing with illegals or drugs? We’re just out doing a little prospecting and sight-seeing that’s all.

Mind if I take a look?

Go ahead; ask Orville, it’s his wagon.

The two agents walked over to Orville followed by the suits. The ninjas walked over too, but as they did so one of’em walked backwards keeping an eye on my dad.

Mornin,’ you Orville?

That I am. How can I help you?

Mind if we look in your wagon?

No, go ahead, but you won’t find anything in there that will interest you. Just some tools, a barrel of grits, a stack of postcards of me and the wagon, and the things that three old men need to get us through the day.

Like what?

You know, the usual; hemorrhoid medicine, eye drops, blood pressure cuff, stuff like that.

What’s that on the roof of the wagon?

Solar panels.

Solar panels, what’s them for?

To power my metal detectors underneath the wagon, power our satellite dish, recharge our Blackberries things like that.

I suppose you got a gps in there too.

Don’t need one. We know where we’re going, know where we been too.

An where’s that?

Where’s what?

Where you been?

All over.

Where you headed?

Out prospecting.

Where?

Haven’t decided yet.

I see.

About then Don Pablo came over and just stood there watching. Dad had drifted down off the porch and was stroking Phone Home who seemed a bit nervous. He didn’t like having so many people with guns around, and he didn’t like people whose eyes you couldn’t see.

Well, if you fellers see any illegals crossing the border you give us a call ok?

About then Don Pablo piped up. Yeah, if I need a blow-job and waterboarding I’ll call you.

What did he say!?

He said, you fellers are doing a fine job and if he sees anyone crossing the boarder he’ll call.

That right, well Orville, and whoever you are, you have a nice day, hear.

It wasn’t a question, and it wasn’t an order, it was more like a threat. They turned around and walked back to their Suburbans with one of them walking backwards keeping an eye on them and drove off.

Geezus you fool, what got into you? What did you say that for?

He said it because he was born stupid, that’s why he said it.

I said it because there ain’t no use in being an old man if you can’t say what’s on your mind. Say, what do you suppose they was listening to with them Ipods, Brittany Spears, Wu-Tang Clan?

Well, I bet it wasn’t Arlo. Listen you fool, those weren’t Ipods, and they weren’t listening to Brittany Spears, Vivaldi, or Chuck Berry. They were listening to an old man making a fool of himself. Bill, can’t you talk some sense into him.

If I could I would’ve done so a long time ago. But I can’t so I won’t. I might as well talk Phone Home into playing cards with us tonight. We could use a fourth hand at Poker, cause that monkey of his cheats.

That’s cause he taught her to.

That’s right, if I didn’t you two would’ve cleaned me out long time ago.

They loaded up the wagon, and tied some futon stuffing they bought from Billy around the wheels. They made a drag out of some willow branches and tied it to the back of the wagon and said adios to Billy and headed east.

Around dusk they stopped at a dry creek and camped in a hollow. Later that night after cognac and cigars they climbed a small rocky outcrop and looked into the west. The stars were out in an ink black sky. They could see Orion, Venus, and the ground light from a helicopter crossing the mesa back and forth. They laughed and congratulated each other on their good luck for being alive, for at their age every day is a gift.

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